In the name of neater eating they should swap, the Mexican’s take pitta breads and the Arabs get the tortilla’s. I know the Grecian and Arabic worlds have flatbreads quite similar to the tortilla but I think it equitable that they swap.

Why? The burritto is a perfect example, even if you have a black belt in origami wrapping a burritto is tricky – as most non origami trained Mexicans will attest. The tortilla really is a design failure when it comes to most latin food uses, ultra thin crust student microwave pizza being the only thing they do well – and pizza is Italian as I’m sure you all know.

No, Mexican cuisine would be far better served by the pitta bread. A pitta bread gives a similar bread to filling ratio but is just so much easier to work. Cut it in half creating pockets and they are great for all your chilli, re-fried bean and guacamole needs.

So why consign the Arab and Grecian worlds to a tortilla filled future? Well, it turns out the pitta bread is pretty rubbish at containing greasy meat fillings especially when combined with yoghurt based dressings.

You see, tonight by some mad quirk of kebab house stock control malfunction I was presented with a large mixed donner resting loosely upon a tortilla. I felt a little cheated at first, as one would, but let my adventurous side take over for once. I was rewarded with a revelation so great I had to share it with you here.

It was surely a thing of beauty, slithers of spiced mince and shards of chicken and a generous smothering of garlic sauce all perfectly contained from the first bit to the last. Every drop of superfluous oiliness funnelled perfectly back to the tray by the tortilla’s ingenious shape. No need to eat the salad first either, it was all inside! You won’t manage that with a Pitta unless you go for a really girly small kebab and even then you will end up dropping half of it in the tray.

There is something about the composition of the tortilla that resists the bread disolving power of kebab fat and yoghurt based dressing too. It’s a remarkable inspired application of Latino bread, simple as that!

So there we are, when you fancy fajitas for dinner ignore the self serving propaganda plastered over the Old El Paso box – get pitta breads.

I understand you will need to be brave when encountering everyone’s mate at the kebab house. Asking for a tortilla under your kebab will obviously mark you as a bit odd, but I’m assured it’s something kebab houses do. Bit like asking your newsagent for the dwarf fisting pornography that is never displayed but makes a significant contribution to their magazine sales.

People of Great Britain, now you know your flatbreads.

First, this may come as a bombshell to many but I have to tell you that you’ve probably been doing something wrong all your life. Your parents probably taught you how to do this and I’m sorry to say that means your parents are probably less intelligent than a chimp! That means you are marginally less intelligent than a chimp also.

What have you been doing wrong all your life? Peeling a banana in the wrong way is what! Yes, you’re thicker than a monkey because you can’t work a banana! Morons!

So now I will impart upon you knowledge that saw me bullied as a child and stared at as an adult, how to peel a banana correctly. Well, lets say intelligently rather than correctly. You’ve been grabbing it at the stalk end, digging your thumb nail into the stem. Maybe you’ve even been cutting it with a knife or biting it, getting that yucky bitter skin tasts in your mouth, ruining your first bite of the banana.

Well no more, turn the banana around the other way and pinch either side of the little crusty spot. This splits the skin and you can now peel it. It even peels neatly in two pieces. Monkeys know this stuff, so did I and now you do too. You can now stop being as thick as your parents and sit back smuggly as onlookers stare at you when you peel a banana correctly. Welcome to my world and the ranks of humankind who are truly as clever, at least, as a monkey.

You’re welcome, I’m just a sharing kind of guy so just wanted to give my friends something. It may even come in useful as soon as tomorrow morning if you are one of those that has fruit for breakfast. Please leave a comment if you would like your banana proficiency certificate but badges to sew on your banana eating trunks are extra.

So now the question is whether to stand back and marvel at the innovative pillars or knuckle down and lay the roadway atop the clever towers hewn from technology. Instead of steel, concrete and tarmacadam I have just a few words to bridge the chasm between my thoughts and your understanding of them. I will work very hard to make it a solid sturdy bridge, and just hope what I share with you is a destination  worthy of the crossing.

I guess I’ve put it off because I can be a little wordy and far from eliquent when I get caught up in something. I haven’t quite found that line between uncomplicated and patronising and that scares me a lot. I don’t want to take up somones attention and fail to repay that with clarity or, heaven forbid, offence. Confusion is bad, right?